All My Friends Are Getting Married

Disclaimer: I am writing from (and probably to) the bubble of a subculture I live in, which is Christian Dating. It comes with an extra layer of guilt and a feeling of failure if you’re not married by thirty. If you can’t relate, that’s okay. You’re still welcome to read. And if you can relate…I’m sorry!

Last year, I was invited to seven weddings and attended six (sorry, Emily!) and my pool of single friends got nine people smaller. It also meant I had a 24-hour-long, black-tie-and-cake reminder of my relationship status six times last year. (At least I looked fabulous all six times.)

I don’t mean to sound self-pitiful, but it forced me to do a lot of thinking: about myself, relationship status, singleness, and the kind of person I want to be (single or not). SO here are my thoughts on going to 6 weddings last year (and hearing a bajillion Christians tell me about singleness.)

1. You can feel two things at once: celebration (of your friends’ happiness) and mourning (an unfulfilled desire of your own). As a teenager, I LOVED going to weddings. It felt like a sneak peek into my future fairytale. Unfortunately, after last year, the fantasy faded. With each wedding, my enthusiasm waned, and my guilt grew. But here’s the truth: you can celebrate your friends AND feel a little sad. It’s not hypocritical. One wedding weekend, I felt so down I almost didn’t go. My mom reminded me, “You were invited because your presence is important to your friend. Even if you don’t feel 100% excited, you’re showing them you love them just by showing up.” Give yourself some grace to feel the sad things alongside the happy ones.

2. Marriage is not a competition. It’s not a race. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard one of my girlfriends say, “There are no good guys left,” or “All the Christian guys my age are married.” I’ve given into that thinking before, but honestly I’M DONE WITH IT. No one is stealing your person. It’s not a race to find “the last good one left" before Stacey does. Do we not have enough imagination to believe that, somewhere in the universe there could possibly exist one compatible person about to cross our path?! Even if you’ve had your heart broken or been disappointed in love over and over again; even if you think you’re the weirdest weirdo there ever was - please hear this: there is space for you too. There is no rush. Lean into God’s grace and believe that He is enough to bring you your person in the right time (even if it’s not your time).

3. It’s not based on points or even looks. In college, I absolutely believed you had to be pretty and confident enough to get a boyfriend, and I was neither…until I met my first boyfriend. Well, I’ve seen a lot of things since college, and I know now that was a lie. I’ve seen some very weird, shy, and unattractive people get married. Obviously none of my friends…you guys are all gorgeous ;) I don’t know everything, but what I’ve learned from friends and my own romantic history does confirm this: When you meet the right person—the one who sees you, you don’t have to be a supermodel or a superstar. You just have to be you. Find someone who is easy to be yourself around. It's a good sign you’ve found a good one.

4. “Only boring people get bored.” (Apparently, that is a quote by Ruth Burke; I heard it on Netflix.) I’m not sure it’s true, but I am sure of this: my time is much better spent finding something interesting to do than wallowing in self-pity or feelings of loneliness. Sometimes, when I feel convinced I have no friends and no one loves me, I write a "just-because" note to love on one of my friends. It’s amazing how good it feels to give my friends those notes. And it reminds me that I do, in fact, have friends. Let’s find interesting and beautiful things and become interesting and beautiful people. It’s a much better use of our time.

5. Sometimes, on hard days, it feels like all my problems would shrink if I had a man telling me how valuable and wonderful I am. But if all my self-esteem and identity comes from another flawed human, that's not a very grounded foundation. So I've decided that if, at the end of the day, I can say "I like who I am,” then it’s a good day. I’m (slowly) learning to reframe my thoughts about myself and focus on who God designed me to be. Maybe that looks like writing more poetry or climbing more walls. But if I’m proud of who I am and who I'm growing to be, that matters more than any relationship status or what [fill in the blank] thinks of me.

6. God cares. Even when I’m whining. Even when my mentors advise patience and say marriage won’t solve all my problems. (And they are right, even though I don’t like it.) Here’s the reality: even if my Christian culture didn’t put pressure on me to get married, I would probably put it on myself. I’m a highly relational person, and100% of the time I prefer to think with or experience life with someone other than myself. Marriage is something I want, personally. But if it isn’t something you want, first, that is perfectly okay, and second, God cares about you too. He cares when you have a super great I-love-who-You-made-me-to-be day and He cares when you’re down in the dumps. He cares for single people with the same intensity that He cares for married people. He cares for people who don’t want marriage. Because He cares about our hearts.

The God I serve is a relational God -- not a transactional one. And so any day - good or bad - I can bring Him my heart and my worries and He will gently remind me that His love is the only one unconditional and perfect and I can take a deep rest in Him because He cares for me.