New Wine

This year has been a RIDE. Lots of ups, so many downs. Moments of trust. Moments of wondering what I really believe. Emotions all over the place - tears, loneliness, anxiety, numbness. Moments where I saw God move pieces so far out of my reach that I cried. Big failures. Big victories. Confusion.

I remember telling my mom on the phone, “It feels like God's breaking me.” I wasn’t asking her for an answer; I didn’t really feel like there was one. I just wanted her to know that, if there was a God, it felt like He had chosen me to step on. Maybe it was all for “a bigger purpose,” to refine my character, but He didn’t seem to feel the need to develop anyone else’s character as deeply as He did mine. And that felt terribly unfair.

So unfair in fact that I began to hate the idea of trusting Him. I thought, why can’t life just go my way for once? I moved to Spain by myself, learned the language, made friends, pushed through homesickness and culture shock all on my own. Maybe it would be better doing things on my own.

It wasn’t that I didn’t think God could do something through my suffering. It was that I craved independence and comfort, even as I felt empty and alone. The idea that my pain was something God was not only allowing but using like a tool hurt me...and I didn’t want it to hurt anymore.

But then I realized two things that felt like light coming through the clouds.

One was that, with or without God, life is unfair. It’s painful and often without good reason. But if you choose to look at it from a biblical perspective, the Bible consistently teaches that suffering leads to growth and pain leads to redemption. (James 1:2-4 and Romans 5:3-5 are some good places to see that.) Now you could read that and assume that God must delight in our pain—enjoy all the character development He does. But He does not delight in our pain. He never does. On the contrary, He redeems it. And there’s a big difference.

As I reflected on this, I realized something else: I have seen favor this year in ways I never have before. Some of this favor I can link directly back to the character that God has developed in me over the last two years. I’ve been able to connect with people on a deeper level than ever before. I’ve been able to have patience I didn’t have before; to give grace where I used to give judgement; and to rest in the waiting instead of being restless. These things didn’t come through independence or comfort, but through two years of trying, failing, and finding hope not in my own perfection or competence but in a grace that keeps going where my strength and skills fail.

And on top of that there have been moments of favor this year that I absolutely had no control over: Receiving anonymous gifts when I didn’t know how I was going to make ends meet, strangers making sure I was safe when I landed myself in a precarious situation, the most ideal next chapter opening up in front of me before I even knew I needed it.

In short, I’ve seen blessing after blessing this year and I would be able to experience or appreciate these things if I had not gone through some crushing.

To be honest I still don’t have all the answers and closure that I’ve longed for. But I have a new song and I find myself trusting my Father again. (Literally there is a song and it’s called “New Wine” by Brooke Fraser. You should totes go check it out here!)

I can’t say that I’m overcome with joy or surrender every day. (My mom has kindly reminded me that some seasons are more dry than others and that’s okay.) But I choose joy. I choose surrender.

Because even though I feel like God has “crushed me”, if I take a step back, I can also see and taste how undeniably rich and sweet He has made my life right now. How He’s taught me to make my presence a blessing and not a burden. How time and again He’s given me exactly what I needed even if the timing isn’t what I expected.

God has confirmed over and over to me this year that He sees me personally and He delights in me deeply. So even if I continue to be crushed, I will trust that He sees, He knows, He delights, and He is making new wine through me.